I’m not
okay, and I refuse to act like everything is okay now. You know most people act
like everything is fine all the time, and I think that’s utter bullshit. We are
human through our emotions, that’s exactly what makes us human. Anyone who
tells you different is lying, or unwilling to face the truth. Eventually you’ll
realize that, and once you do its almost freeing. You don’t have to pretend
that everything is okay, because it’s never going to be fine all the time.
It’s not the matter of one person
or even the school. It’s a matter of a tremendous amount of small things that
built up and finally they’re all crashing down on me. And the realization that
there is nothing in my power that I can do to stop what’s happening angers me. I
want to be in control. I want to have everything pinned down, but that’s not
how anything works. If I had control of everything, I would be fine. But I am
not in the slightest bit fine.
It has nothing to do with the fact
that I like someone who has qualities I want in a husband never says one word
to me. It has nothing to do with my grades, my teachers, or my peers. The
scariest thing is that if it had to do with something like that, I would be
fine. Any of those things, and I feel that I have some slight control over what’s
happening. But it’s none of those things, and I dearly wish it was.
The overwhelming feeling of not
knowing what I am feeling yet; I am still feeling. One would think that as a teenager, especially a girl, would be able to effectively communicate just exactly what she is feeling. Alas, I have none. To be quite honest, I think that this is one of the reasons I decided to start a blog. I immensely enjoy writing, because I don't look back at it and think what I wrote was wrong. Because I can always change it. When I'm talking though, it's completely different. I remember what I said and automatically pick apart everything I said, and what was wrong with it.
Congratulations, I've become a part of hundreds of teens who now communicate their feelings on the internet. This blog is not meant to be a cry for help, rather a release from my thoughts. If you don't like it, you may leave, it's your choice. I will honestly probably not write every day, or every week, I will only write when I feel led to.
-Silas
